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Lessons from a Father
Today is Father’s day 2012 and for whatever reason I find myself being very reflective. I have had both a biological and a stepfather, both of whom taught me invaluable life lessons. So I decided to see what had I learned from the men in my life. And afterwards, I opened up that question to others.
My journey has not been an easy one. I have learned many lessons in lean and dry places. There have been a number of atrocities and abuses that have visited me and it has taken great strides not to get stuck in such low places. Many of my lessons have not been nice ones, but they are lessons, yet and still. They are things I have learned and therefore are worthy of being shared. I have no perfect pictures to paint of my life, but over time, the individual threads of my life will create a beautiful tapestry.
My biological father was a drug and alcohol addicted womanizer who spent years playing mind games with me and subjecting me and my mother to his abuses. I was with him when he met the woman he is now married to. How a man could think it is at all appropriate to cheat on his wife and take his six year old daughter with him, bribing her not to tell with sweets, is beyond me. But such was the case.
The memories that fill that part of my life are not the best. There were the beatings I saw my mother endure and the times I wondered if she was going to die. It took me many years to grow eyebrows because the stress of my home life made them fall out. There was the impossibly tall list of standards I was expected to reach. But everything was always just out of reach, so I grew up feeling much like a failure. It wasn’t until years later that I learned those are typical behaviors and expectations of a drug and alcohol addicted parent. Although my mother wasn’t a drug or alcohol user or abuser, the grandfather who raised her had been, so I guess she just grew up and attracted what she knew.
His reckless behavior almost cost his life on more than one occasion. It was something different each time. Diabetic comas from not taking his insulin while also drug and alcohol binging, motorcycle accidents, you name it. He seemed to live as though he had a death wish. Between my grandmother and my mother, I learned that women are to pick up the pieces of men’s lives who refuse to act responsibly. I wonder what would have happened if they had let him lose his job or if he’d had to be homeless for a while. I just wonder…
After bankrupting our home and leaving us penniless, destitute, no food and a house falling apart at the seams, he left us. Period.
Then entered my stepfather. I was eight years old when he came on the scene. He is a complex individual who genuinely feels for people and who loves children, but who has a host of unresolved issues with his own abusive mother. We lived in hell for years with this man. I never knew from one day to the next if I would come home and find my mother’s blood splattered all over the house because he had killed her. I was a quiet, introspective child with wisdom beyond my years. I could just ‘see’ people. I am sure mom regretted on many occasions not listening when I told her to leave that man alone. It took years for us to get out of that situation.
Talk about contradictions, on one hand he’d be terrorizing the house and trying to turn my brother against mom and me, and then in the same breath he’d be there to fix whatever needed fixing. He was a hustler. Made sure he always had money and would keep the kids fed, but wouldn’t lift a finger to pay a bill or help my mother financially. He believed a woman should take care of a man. I resented him for years.
At some point the healing began and I could just see him beyond what he was doing to us. And I understood. I refused to continue being his punching bag, and made that VERY clear, but I just understood. I fixed him dinner today. He is still the one who I can call on for anything and he will be there. Period. Healing really can come.
The men in my life, not just those two fathers, left deep scars and had me really questioning the validity of my worth. My grandfather, the molester, who took my innocence at age three and then spent years degrading and berating me; the liars; the cheats; the thieves; it was all there. With nothing else to use as an example, I grew up and attracted men who treated me just like they did. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why finding someone to love and be kind to me was so difficult. The faces changed, but their actions did not. They were all versions of each other. Everyone around me said “you are not worthy. You are nothing and your only purpose in life is to be here to meet MY needs; despite how it might affect you.” Inside I cried. Outside, I ate. And I wrote, trying to make sense of my life.
Somewhere in the midst of all of this, I met Jesus, who had tons of work to undo in my life. Trusting God was so hard for me. He was just this giant daddy, who I was sure was just like these earthly men who had done so much damage. I learned that He has this wonderful ability to see us right where we are and meet us right there. Gently, but surely, He would bring me closer to himself and eventually a relationship was born. I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I wasn’t with him. I didn’t have to pretend to be okay when inside I was a broken mess. He already knew. For the first time in my life I was lavished with as much time as I needed. He knew just how to love me in the way I best needed to receive love.
It is not easy going from low to high, but I have found that it IS possible. And when life knocks you back down, there is help to get back up and keep trying. So my list is a compilation of things I have learned from a number of men in my life – some good, some not so much. I have found that old adage to be true, that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. In time, all of those men with special quirks have been replaced with a number of other men who give me something to set my sights on. Now, I know that I, too, have worth, value and my life has significant meaning. I can have the best of what I’ve seen in others. I will finish up this post with the lessons that I, along with other sons and daughters, have learned from their own fathers.
So Happy Father’s Day – to all the award-winning amazing dads, the single moms having to be both mother and father, to all those in the village who stepped up to be father role models, and even to the dads who didn’t do much more than make an initial donation. You have all played a significant part in our becoming who we are. Thank you for your contribution – however great or small.
Here is the list that I and my contributors have learned from our fathers and father figures over the years:
To lead praise and worship
To pray in the congregation
To pray for my children
A strong sense of family
A whole lot of common sense phrases like “take care of business or business will take care of you”
Self worth
The unconditional love of God the Father
Character
He couldn’t spank me if he saw me cry
I didn’t need to do anything for him to love me, he just loved me. Period.
The same rule should apply to my partner in life
My value wasn’t to be based on someone else’s opinion or standard
Having a crazy dad is a filter. Guys respect a young lady with a covering (a loving, crazy male figure)
Observing him made me realize what I did and DID NOT want in a man
To pray for what was most important
How to iron
How to make good oatmeal
How to clean the house
How to grill
How to sweep
How to ride a bike
How to play sports and how to throw
How to tie a tie
How to like vegetables
Never judge someone by how they look
Sow seeds that will prosper
Love God more than any man
Your word is to be kept and represents you
Do not live above your means, save some money
Trust your instincts, spirit
If you pray the Father will hear you
Keep living and you will understand things
How to be a hard worker
Have a loving, caring heart
Clean the kitchen as I cook
Think of the glass half full
Speak with compassion
Keep in touch
Family time
Your confession will set the course of your life
Have faith in God no matter what
Protect your children
Be on time or don’t go
Treat others with grace and kindness
Speak the WORD no matter what it costs you
Be generous
That computers ‘talked’ to one another and if you did anything wrong, it was bound to be discovered, so don’t expect him to bail me out
Education is paramount
That he has my back and is my biggest cheerleader no matter what
Patience
How a car worked so a man or shady mechanic couldn’t take advantage of me
How to take care of my family
Work hard every day, always go to work on time and do the best job while I’m there
Some people don’t mean you any good their entire life long
That some men don’t realize that fatherhood is a gift that can be wasted on the unwilling
Good posture, good diction and being intelligent is not an option – it’s the only way
Always look your best
A priority is specific only to the individual
A girl will attract the kind of man to herself that her father was to her, good or bad. In the case of the bad, she will continue to attract him until she heals and learns whatever lessons are there for her to learn
You can’t depend on people, so either do it yourself or go without
A man who has not dealt with his mother issues will punish every woman he comes into contact with until he does
People can change if they really want to
Every person has something redeeming about themselves despite how challenging their ‘issue’ is
Sometimes love hurts and men hit
No one should have to make a man take care of his own seed
Another man can step up and make a difference in the life of a child. When one won’t, another one will
A fool can’t argue by himself, so just be quiet
That I can be loved and accepted unconditionally
Sometimes things mean more than people
I can be the world to someone
If a man doesn’t marry you in a year, he isn’t serious
No matter how lean the times, low the place or difficult the circumstance, God is always there
God loves me in the best way I need to be loved
God is much more willing to accept and forgive me than I am to myself
Friendship is just as important as family
How to laugh
He was selfish – he committed suicide when I was 3 years old and didn’t think how that would affect me
A mom and dad not being together is not always a bad thing! Sometimes it’s even for the best
How to put my foot in my mouth
Men cheat, lie and destroy women
Don’t want anybody that doesn’t want you!
The gospel
Love of life
Stand tall
Be proud of who you are
The love of family
Pay your debt
The belt never hurt your ass for long
Bowling
Fishing
Hard work for what you want
Foundation for the love of jazz
Always put your spouse first
Always save money
Never let a man use you (don’t get pregnant)
I’m here because HE wanted me here (referencing Heavenly Father)
Love
Respect
Serve others
To be clean
To be organized
To be responsible
Photography
To get respect you have to give it
It’s good to have a sense of humor
How to cook
How to hustle
Listen to my grandparent’s wisdom
Always keep myself looking nice
Don’t fund or contribute to bad habits
Always be nice to people, 'cause you never know when you might see them again
If you have $20 you don’t have to spend it all. You can keep the change!
Character
Integrity
Responsibility
Discipline
Moral ethics
Self respect
Love of a father
Changing lives one word at a time...Tumika Patrice Cain
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Tumika Patrice Cain is an award-winning author, media personality,
and motivational speaker. Through her imprint, Inkscriptions Publishing &
Media Group, she provides high quality, affordable, mentor-based publishing
services to indie authors, as well as inspired, empowering messages of hope and
abundance through her media outlets. Her works can be found in many
publications, including Fresh Lifestyle Magazine. To learn more about Tumika,
her books, and her services visit the following websites. http://www.TumikaPatrice.com
and http://www.InkscriptionsPMG.com
