After the Rain...

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Stolen Treasure

Photo credits: Pexels

Stolen Treasure

I will start off with this disclaimer: this post is NOT written in a religious or moral context.

As women we are having sex with too many men we barely know. In a time where a guy feels entitled to what is precious....and yes Beloved, your soul is precious...just because he wants it or feels entitled because he spent a few dollars on a meal, doesn't mean we need to give in. Sharing an attraction to someone is not enough to allow someone inside of you when you barely know their name, how they feel about women and specifically what they feel about you beyond the attraction.

There is more than just the joining of two bodies that takes place during intercourse....and that's any kind of intercourse. It is an exchange of energy that takes place. Your body is a portal that allows outside "stuff" to enter. Whatever negative feelings he has, especially towards women, are being pumped into your vessel.

That energy doesn't disappear at the point of orgasm. It lingers in a person's spirit long after the encounter is over, oftentimes wreaking havoc in the life of that woman.

This is not me saying don't have sex. We all have needs and how you choose to handle yours is your business. What I am saying is slow it down and really see who you are dealing with. Listen to what comes out of his mouth. Did he just refer to another woman as a b**** or whore? If he's calling you a queen but referring to other women in derogatory terms, this is clearly a guy with female issues. Is he joking about pimps and hustlers getting over on women and making light of the damage they do to women, every bell in your head should be going off. If he feels it's okay to tell a woman to shut up and suck his d***, you need to run in the opposite direction...FAST! If every conversation has him talking about what some woman has done for him or can do for him, he's a user who seeks women out to do just that.

In order to recognize this stuff you may need to spend more than the few minutes at the bar. Getting to know someone takes time. Give yourself the time you need to see who you are really dealing with.

Sex should not be a topic of conversation right away. If he's asking you when you're going to let him hit the skins, or whatever colloquialisms they use, what should stand out to you is his sense of entitlement. Notice what comes out of his mouth and his body language when you say no or you want to wait. Anything beyond "ok" or an answer in the affirmative is unacceptable.

It can be down right dangerous to be having sex with guys you don't know. There is the risk of catching a disease. And although no one talks about it much, once you're in a compromising position, it is very easy to be violated in ways you didn't expect.

The bottom line is: you matter. You are a person of great worth and value and another person doesn't have the right to strip you of that. Unfortunately, there is a breed of males who get off on doing exactly that. Protect yourself. Know your worth. Don't let anyone who is unworthy inside your temple. You deserve more....don't settle for less.

Changing lives one word at a time...Tumika Patrice Cain

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Tumika Patrice Cain is an award-winning author, media personality, and motivational speaker. Through her imprint, Inkscriptions Publishing & Media Group, she provides high quality, affordable, mentor-based publishing services to indie authors, as well as inspired, empowering messages of hope and abundance through her media outlets. Her works can be found in many publications, including Fresh Lifestyle Magazine. To learn more about Tumika, her books, and her services visit the following websites. http://www.TumikaPatrice.com and http://www.InkscriptionsPMG.com

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Wolves in Sheep's Clothing

Photo credits: Pexels

Wolves in Sheep's Clothes

By nature, a man is designed to protect and provide for the female in his life. One of the things I wish I could get across to young women is to look at how a man treats her to determine how he feels about her. A man who loves or cares for a female will never ask her to sell or do drugs for him, serve jail/prison time for him, sell her body, make ‘drops,’ cook drugs, store his illegal ‘stuff’ in or around her home, or any other thing that would endanger her wellbeing or safety, or that would damage her soul, her self-respect, or her self-esteem. A man will work three jobs if he has to, in order to provide for himself and his loved ones, not use some female to come up.

Let’s not forget to mention that a man who cares for her will not ask her to indulge in sexual acts that demean, degrade, or make her feel ashamed or dirty. Too many of our young women are engaging in soul-damaging acts just to have some guy in her life. But predators and opportunists exist on every corner, in every school, in every neighborhood, on every social media site. We’ve got to teach our girls what to look for, so that when some smooth talking guy comes flashing his smile and selling wolf tickets, she’ll see him for the predator that he is and run in the opposite direction, before he ruins her life. We’ve got to do better at building and instilling a sense of self-worth, self-esteem, and appropriate boundaries so that our ladies aren’t so prone to tactics of the enemy who comes posting up with big muscles, a deep voice, and talks of grandeur.

I’m not sure what’s sadder, the fact that so many young ladies get caught up and damaged by these predators, or that the men get on social media or with their friends and brag about what they made some girl do, caring nothing at all for how her life has been affected by the games he plays. After she has served her purpose in his plan, he moves on to the next prey as if it’s no big deal. There are so many men who are not gay, but who just don’t like women. They act out their hatred on the female species with aggression, disrespect, and negative life altering actions. And there are so many love starved females who take any attention shown to them as something positive. But a predator can spot a wounded prey from miles away. He zeroes in on her like a missile and goes in for the kill.

I know that not all men hurt or prey on women. Some men actually chose to use their power for good. We’ve got to be able to spot the difference between the two, so that we can teach our future generations. We’ve got to know that it’s okay to put ourselves first and that it’s okay to say no to that which takes us off of our moral, spiritual, ethical compass, or that makes us not be proud of the person we see in the mirror. We’ve got to know, as females, that we are worth it…even if it means being alone for a little while longer. Having a piece of a man is NOT better than having no man at all…no matter what outside influences say. We’ve got to love ourselves enough to not throw the pearls of our lives before swine. We’ve got to know that we are worth nothing less than the best…and then stand our ground until we get what we deserve.

Changing lives one word at a time…Tumika

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Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Are You a Rider?

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Are You A Rider?

Many men throw away the chance of having a real, lasting relationship with a faithful, loyal woman, who would genuinely love and want to be with them, through manipulation and unrealistic expectations.

Too often I see men living in a fantasy world where the woman, or women, in their lives are expected to be led around by the nose blindly doing whatever it is he requires of her. If she asks questions, she’s not submissive. If she speaks her mind, she is too strong and is told to shut up. If she won’t do something that compromises her integrity, self-respect or safety, she is not a rider. These same men who ask, require, demand the woman to do as he says will in the same breath, and without a heartbeat, leave her at the drop of a hat. The moment she doesn’t jump through any of his hoops, there’s the lingering threat of ‘do you want me to cheat on you?’ left over her head. Truth is, if he’s going to cheat, he will do that regardless of what that woman will or will not do for him. He requires a level of servitude and loyalty that he does not return to anyone. And this is the fantasy….that everyone on earth is here just to meet his needs, wants and desires, despite how or what it may cost another person to do it.

To this, I say, he is not worth it. For someone who cares about you will never ask you to sacrifice who you are, your morals, your self respect, or your values to satisfy some selfish desire that he has. Love esteems the other person higher than themselves. Love is faithful, it’s ongoing, it’s committed. Love doesn’t bail at the first sign of trouble. Love seeks not its own.

To all the brilliant, beautiful, kind, sincere women who are waiting on love to find them, don’t be lured into the trap of ‘right now’ just because you may be lonely or alone. Don’t feel like you have no choice but to do whatever some guy says just to have someone filling your bed and taking up space in your life. If you can’t look yourself in the mirror or his words are demeaning, degrading and tear away at your self esteem, truly, you are better left alone. There is someone out there who would never ask you to compromise who you are just to be with him. Wait for that one. Keep working on you. Love yourself enough to walk away from situations that could prove dangerous, deadly even. For a man who wears away at your self esteem and self worth, is a dangerous man, indeed, and you have worked entirely too hard to get where you are to let someone strip you of your worth and your power. Be wise!

The next time someone asks “are you a rider?” perhaps the answer is not simply a yes or no response, but instead a return question of “where are you trying to take me?” Every ‘trip’ is not worth the time or expense it takes to travel.

Changing lives one word at a time…Tumika Patrice Cain

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Thursday, February 19, 2015

Recounting the Journey

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Recounting the Journey

Today is my 40^th birthday. Normally, I’m not big on birthdays. But this year was special and I’ve been looking forward to it. For the last couple of years, I’ve noticed a decided shift in my thinking and also in my life practices…and it was done on purpose. People have come and people have gone. Career shifts are in the making. What I tolerate is not the same as it was in my youth. I’ve felt this post brewing in me for at least a week leading up to this day. There have been lessons and truisms in life that I’ve learned along the journey that I’ll share.

Take a look and see how many of them ring true for you. It starts with us…so we must become the change we wish to see…

Make today a great day…ON PURPOSE! Tumika

1. Love is a choice. It’s also an action word. For those who say they can’t love someone, won’t love someone or fell out of love with someone, it’s all a matter of choice. The inability to love or the absence of love didn’t just happen…you made a choice and your actions followed the choice. At any point you can choose to let love reign…

2. Hurting people hurt people, and they hurt themselves, too. Once their wounds heal, they will have more positive resources inside themselves to share with others.

3. Not every negative experience we go through at the hands of another is about us…no matter how personal it might feel. The person who lies, cheats, steals, backstabs, etc. simply shows that somewhere inside themselves is a character issue….not a me or you issue.

4. No matter what life throws your way, being a victim is optional. That doesn’t mean that we don’t feel the effects nor have our lives altered. It also doesn’t mean that we won’t need to heal. What it does mean is that we do what we have to in order to keep it moving…even if it takes time to get back to a healthy place.

5. No matter how little money you have, there’s always enough to save. It has to be a choice. Even putting aside the spare change in your purse or setting aside five dollars adds up over time.

6. There are people who absolutely do not want your success and will do what they can to exclude you from opportunities or literally put up roadblocks to hinder you. No matter what is done, when your heart is in the right place and you are taking care of your business, God will reroute you to meet up with your success. They can’t stop it.

7. Making oneself a priority is a decision we have to make each day. When we live on autopilot, accepting whatever comes our way, we get pushed farther and farther back until we have nothing left to give to ourselves.

8. Despite the images we are fed on a daily basis of what beauty is supposed to look like, I am beautiful, and so are you, just the way we are.

9. Every person you see is the ‘perfect cup of tea’ for someone. It’s just a matter of being found by the one who is looking for your specific temperature, depth, color, richness and flavor. So go ahead….be you…unabashedly!

10. There are some folks who will never ‘get’ you…and it’s okay. We spend far too much time trying to convince others of our worth, our value and make them ‘see’ who we are. Sometimes it’s just not that serious. The one we are striving to ‘click’ with is taking up space when there could very well be someone on the periphery who doesn’t need that lesson because they already ‘get’ you.

11. It’s important to learn how to read labels and do research. Many of the foods and medicines we ingest are harmful to us. Just something to think about.

12. Many times simplest is best. We live fast-paced, action-packed, sleepless lives. However, the answers we seek are in the silence and the rejuvenation our bodies need comes when we slow things down.

13. You are just as important as the next person. Despite who has what or who doesn’t; who knows who or who doesn’t; who works hard or who doesn’t, in the end it doesn’t matter. You are a valuable person right now, in whatever state you find yourself. Your importance is not tied to any outside circumstance and having areas of lack does not, in any way, reflect on your importance.

14. Sometimes the body and the mind need a break. It’s a good idea to fast sometimes and set aside the high fat, highly processed, salty, overly sugared foods, the alcohol, the meat and give the body a chance to heal itself. A week of fresh fruit, fresh vegetables, herbal teas and alkaline or distilled water can work miracles in your body and also help renew the mind. In the same way, choosing to cut the off the TV, the devices and shut down the ‘noise’ is cleansing to the mind, body and spirit. Sometimes we just need a break…

15. Chaos and drama are not necessary prerequisites of living. Do you know you have the ability to attract only what you want to experience? If chaos and drama are coming your way, one of two things has happened: either you bring the drama, and therefore, you reap what you sow, or you just never learned how not to accept the drama. Simply using the creative power that exists in your mouth to claim a chaos and drama free life does wonders in shutting down the nonsense.

16. Folks just are where they are. We are obligated to accept them where they are, but we are under no obligation to have to deal with other folks issues. Sometimes the best thing we can do is just give folks all the space they need to be who they are….without us. It’s not personal.

17. When you are a decent person who does right by others, at some point the seeds you’ve sown will manifest themselves back in your life as others who will treat you the way you’ve treated everyone else. Accept their goodness and their friendship…you’ve earned it!

18. We teach others how to treat us. While we may not be responsible for how a person originally steps to us, how we respond tells that person what our tolerance is and quickly sets the pattern for future interactions. If we want to be treated respectfully, lovingly, and kindly, it is necessary to nip any mistreatment in the bud…immediately.

19. Too much of anything isn’t a good thing. There are numerous things that we love, that we spend time doing, that make us feel good, etc. but the truth is that our lives should be balanced. We need a healthy blend of good and bad, highs and lows, pleasure and pain, happiness and sadness, work and play, spending and saving to keep with the gentle ebb and flow that exists in the natural order of things.

20. Some of the most valuable and precious things don’t cost a dime. We spend money on personal trainers or gym memberships when we could put on a pair of good gym shoes and walk, taking time to breathe in the fresh air. Did you know that the sun is medicinal and helps to ward off depression? Tiger lilies and cat tails picked alongside the road are just as beautiful and fulfilling as expensive floral bouquets personally delivered to your door. For as much as I love things that bling, some of my favorite pieces of jewelry were made by the hands of my child and my grandfather…and to me they are priceless. I bet you could come up with some of your own to add to the list….

21. Sometimes saying goodbye is the greatest blessing we can give to someone…and to ourselves. Not everyone is meant to be in our lives for a lifetime. Sometimes, it’s for a season, other times it’s for a reason. Reflect on their purpose and time allowed, then thank them for the amazing lessons they taught, then keep it moving.

22. There are times we NEED to indulge in our guilty pleasures. Not everything can be regimented or perfect all the time. For me, I love luxurious bath products and sink down to my chin comfy, cozy bedding. NIRVANA! Every now and then, we need to do something especially and specifically for ourselves just to remind us that we matter.

23. It’s a good idea to learn some of those old fashioned basics like gardening, starting a fire and mending clothes. We have become so sophisticated, that we don’t always have the skills to survive should some calamity strike.

24. Living Abundantly doesn’t just happen. It is a series of steps, some changing, some stationary, that we choose to take each day. It is okay to live a blessed, happy and prosperous life…even if others don’t quite understand.

25. There are no perfect circumstances. I’ve been guilty of this, and bet many of you have also, of not making any progress in an area of my life because I am waiting on the perfect, or ideal, circumstances. News flash! They don’t exist. All we can do is work with what we have access to right now. He who is faithful over a little shall be ruler over much. So use what you have and do what you can…right where you are.

26. We are never too old to reinvent ourselves. Just because we’ve been a certain way, done a certain thing, our family members have done it a certain way, or it’s expected of us, doesn’t mean that the rest of our lives have to drone on by rote. Dare to dream. Dare to explore. Dare to make a change!

27. In any relationship, both parties are important and they both matter. If only one of you can talk, be heard, voice an opinion, receive pleasure, listen, and get their needs met, then the other person is obsolete. We don’t have to waste our time or energy dealing with folks who don’t see us as equal to themselves. This goes for any type of relationship. Remember, we determine what we will and will not put up with.

28. Age is just a number. Just because a person has reached a certain number on their chronological time clock, doesn’t mean that maturity or growth have accompanied them on the journey. Often, people stay stuck in their ‘stuff’ when it works for them and no one is around to challenge them to do better. Be wise who you seek for advice or tell your business to. People can’t give you more than what is in them.

29. We are more alike than we are different. It’s so easy to focus on what makes us different, when the truth is that there are many more things that make us alike. We may not have the same experiences. Some journeys may be far easier than others. Some folks may have more resources available to them than God, while others struggle to put two pennies together. Yet, where it really matters, we are alike. We want the same things: good health, our family members to be safe and prosperous, happiness, to give and receive love, compassion (even when we forget to give it back to others), to not be judged, and understanding. Focusing on the similarities affords us the distinct advantage of drawing more positivity to ourselves, and thus receiving more of the good that is in the universe waiting on us.

30. Sexy is an attitude, not a state of undress. Sexy begins with how you see yourself when you look in the mirror, the things that make you feel good about you. There is nothing sexier than a person who is confident (not cocky or arrogant), who knows their worth and who feels good in the skin they are in. So determine to make loving yourself a priority. After all, it starts on the inside and works its way out.

And as a bonus:

31. Being pro me, doesn’t make me anti-you. I see this so often, especially in areas pertaining to race relations. There is nothing wrong with loving your own or supporting your own. Other cultures and races do it all the time and no one calls them haters because they do. I love Black people. Love our resiliency. Our creativity. Our scents. Our humor. Our music. Our men. Our specific beauty attributes. I just love us. I root for us. I want to see us ‘make it’ and thrive. Loving who I’m from doesn’t mean that I don’t love, value or esteem others. Nor should supporting my own be considered a threat against anyone else….and that’s just real.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. It has truly been an interesting journey thus far and I look forward to what greatness lies ahead and for greater ease because of the lessons I’ve learned on this first leg of the journey that I can take with me into the next season.

Changing lives one word at a time…Tumika Patrice Cain

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