Today We Mourn

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Today We Mourn

Today we are burying Jack Pinto, 6, and Noah Pozner, 6, two students who were senselessly gunned down in a Connecticut elementary school.  Over the next week, we will bury many more people - children and adults alike.  And yes, I said we.  The likelihood that any of those 26 people are related to us is slim, but they are still a part of us.  It is not just their parents and family members who cry tears of hurt and are walking around in complete shock and disbelief.  An entire nation is numb, angered, saddened and confused.  We grieve the innocent loss of life just as these parents do.  Precious children  whose lives meant so much.  In them we see dreams that will go unfulfilled, destinies that will never be met.  And we mourn with their parents, their families.  Each Christmas will be a horrible reminder of all that was stolen from them on that fateful day.

For those of us who still have our  children, we pray silent prayers of thanksgiving so as not to be disrespectful to those who lost their loved ones.  We hold our children a little closer, overlook the quirks that usually drive us crazy.  Love a little harder, knowing tomorrow is promised, but not necessarily to each one of us.

It is hard to make sense of what has happened.  People are walking around in a fog, lost and bewildered trying to figure out where to go next.  Where do we go from here? their mournful eyes seem to say.  And though this makes no earthly sense, what we cannot afford to do is blame God for what has happened.  Even though He is sovereign, powerful and mighty, He has given to each one of us the gift of free will.  Yes, I said gift.  We are each afforded the right to make our own decisions.  And while some people use their power for good, others choose to use it for evil.  Still God is not to blame.

There are so many varying factors why this sort of thing happens, but there are no easy answers.  Sometimes it is mental illness that causes a person to have a distorted view of reality.  Other times it is pure hatred of a people, place or thing that drives one to act so irrationally.  And there are many other reasons in between.  I have seen many posts of people asking for prayer in the aftermath of this tragedy.  I have seen just as many people making harsh criticisms of those asking for prayer, saying the time to pray was before all of this happened.  How does that criticism help anyone?  Yes, prayer was needed  before this happened.  But prayer is definitely needed after.  There are families who have to try and put themselves back together.  There are the holidays upon us where they will not hear the joyful laughter of their loved ones.  There are the gifts that must be returned.  Rooms to clean out.  Personal belongings to part with.  And the vast emptiness the absence of their loved ones will leave in their hearts, maybe even for the remainder of their lives.  Yes, we need to pray.

And just as God loves those who were slain, he loves the killer, too.  There was a photo of Adam Lanza, that was his name, on the front cover of the New York Times yesterday.  It was his eyes that drew me.  They seemed blank.  Almost as if he weren't really present. He is a person, too.  We cannot dehumanize him just because he did the unthinkable.  Hurting people hurt people...and they hurt themselves, too.  Sometimes hurting people kill people and they kill themselves, too.  We may never know what was going on in his mind or why he killed his mother or the others.  But he is not to be forgotten either.  Neither should he be hated.  Let it be remembered that Jesus died for him, too.

Today, let's stop and think.  Let's see with eyes that are quickened with new sight.  The person standing behind you in line is your brother.  The checkout clerk is your sister.  From the person who has the most to the person who has the least, we are all connected.  We are one.  Created by the same God.  Knit together by the same hands who loves us all equally.  It is usually something so small that we allow to separate us.  We are more alike than we know.  We are more connected than we have ever really allowed ourselves to admit.

Let's pray for each other, that we begin to see with the eyes of Christ.  That we begin to love with the heart of Christ.  And that we begin to heal as a nation one person, one family, one street, one city, one state at a time so that we may all be one.  And may we pray the prayers of strength, courage and healing to all those who were affected by what happened that fateful Friday.

Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.  Matthew 5:4

Changing lives one word at a time...Tumika Patrice Cain

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Tumika Patrice Cain is an award-winning author, media personality, and motivational speaker. Through her imprint, Inkscriptions Publishing & Media Group, she provides high quality, affordable, mentor-based publishing services to indie authors, as well as inspired, empowering messages of hope and abundance through her media outlets. Her works can be found in many publications, including Fresh Lifestyle Magazine. To learn more about Tumika, her books, and her services visit the following websites. http://www.TumikaPatrice.com and http://www.InkscriptionsPMG.com

Why I Do What I Do

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Why I Do What I Do

Someone posed the question "why do you do what you do?  Why do you write?"  It caused me to have to search deep for the real reason I blog and publish books.  Caused me to have to ask myself what is it that I ultimately hope to accomplish by sharing my thoughts.

I have been sexually, physically and emotionally abused by the men in my life who were supposed to protect and cover me.  It left me fractured, wounded and unable to attract the kinds of relationships I truly deserved.  I saw myself through the eyes of my abusers, but there was something in me that wanted so much more.  Problem was, I didn't know how to get myself where I wanted to be. 

After many trials, lots of therapy, soul searching, fasting, praying and researching, my life began to change.  When I got a revelation of who I was, it was then time to learn how to treat myself and demand that others treat me how I deserved to be treated.  The minister in me yearns to see others set free and not stuck in cycles of abuse - self inflicted or otherwise.  So many things I observed watching the women in my family and in my neighborhoods who took so much off of the men in their lives.  It affected me.  Many worked hard.  Others worked the system.  Some had degrees.  Still others were high school dropouts.  All were struggling to make sense of their lives.  All longed to have someone love and cherish them.  All wondered why love, tenderness and genuine affection eluded them.

I have been my sisters.  I have worked jobs I hated just to make ends meet.  I have settled for far less than I deserve in relationships - whether that be familial, platonic or intimate.  Even at work, I have made the grade, but never the money I should have been making.  My family has not supported me, yet always had their hands out wanting something.  I have been the single parent struggling to keep it all in balance.  I have cared for an ailing child with the bare minimal of support.  I have had issues finding quality, affordable childcare.  I have wondered how I was going to make ends meet.  I have put my childs needs and even her wants over my needs.  My own needs have gone unmet and pretty much ignored by those who didn't care and by those who did care, but who were so empty on their own, they had nothing to give.  So I had to figure it out on my own.

Even as a young child it was just me.  I was alone a lot.  Single mother working and in school trying to make a better life for us.  Absentee father.  Not much family support to help my mother with me or for me to turn to when I had a need.  Before I knew HIM, He kept me, sustained me and didn't let the journey destroy me even though I have been damaged to the point of being on spiritual and emotional life support.  But I made it!

So my message for other women is "you are worthy, you have value and you can make it, too."  I am living proof that when you change everyone around you has to change too.  They just can't deal with you the same because you are different.  And there are times when the strength is needed to grow on without them if they make the choice not to grow with you.

When things were at their bleakest, I have wanted to give up, give in or even walk out of my life.  I have had series of starts and stops that left me so frustrated that I thought why do I even bother trying.  I have had dreams ripped right out of my hands by mean spirited people who I knew got pleasure out of seeing me stumble.  At times, I thought my deepest desires would never come true.  Somewhere along the journey I forgot how to dream. 

It was my dreams for a better tomorrow that kept me going in my youth.  After the dreams faded, then died, what did I have that made this journey worth living?  I would look into my daughter's face and want so much more for her than what she saw happening in my life.  Through it all I would tell her she was so much more.  She has seen me with tears in my eyes because I was doing everything I had to but nothing I wanted to in order to keep things going and she would say "just don't cry momma."  I would become even more determined to rise above where I was, for why should her memories of me be of mournful tears in my eyes? 

So when I offer a word, it is deliberate.  It is meant to shoot a ray of light to some woman who may be at her end.  It is to give what I so desperately needed, but so rarely received.  It is to tell her "You can make it. Despite where you have been, YOU CAN MAKE IT! And not only can you make it, but you can thrive and have life more abundantly if you just do a little work."  (For we all work at something.  What we work on might as well be life affirming).  It is to tell her that she is not alone, nor is she being judged.  For truly I do understand her pain, her struggle and she is not alone.  It is to put her hand into that of her Maker and encourage her to tap into the true and only real source of her strength.

Changing lives one word at at time...Tumika Patrice Cain
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Tumika Patrice Cain is an award-winning author, media personality, and motivational speaker. Through her imprint, Inkscriptions Publishing & Media Group, she provides high quality, affordable, mentor-based publishing services to indie authors, as well as inspired, empowering messages of hope and abundance through her media outlets. Her works can be found in many publications, including Fresh Lifestyle Magazine. To learn more about Tumika, her books, and her services visit the following websites. http://www.TumikaPatrice.com and http://www.InkscriptionsPMG.com

The Princess Within

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The Princess Within

Inside every woman is an inner princess.  That place which beckons to be pampered, adored, adorned, and treated with the kidskin gloves of royalty.  It is not in the fantasies of little girls because Disney created Cinderella and a host of princesses thereafter.  Instead it stems from a reality that we are from the stock of true royalty.  Divinity, even.  We are the result of having been created from the ultimate King.  The Most High, the most royal, the most divine is our Father.  And just like in the fairytales, we earthly princesses have come across evil witches, possessed octopuses, and bitten into poisonous apples given by beguiling serpents who have planned our demise.  All in an attempt to strip us from our rightful place in the kingdom.  All in an attempt to convince us that we are not who we were born to be; created to be.  All in an attempt to persuade us that the only life that lies ahead for us is that of a pauper. 

And for many years, many of us choose to believe these lies.  We  begin to attract men who tear us down with their harsh words, hard hands and complete ignoring of our needs.  In our attempts to get our needs met, we chase them.  Chase them hard.  We think, I don't want him to forget me.  Maybe if I call him more, buy him what he wants, make myself available to his beck and call, then he will be willing to stand up and be the prince I know I need.  It is with each attempt that we lose more and more of our layers of divinity.  No longer do we walk with our heads held high.  The straight ramrod posture we used to have is replaced with slumped shoulders.  The princess has begun to carry burdens she doesn't have the strength, the stamina or the stature to hold.  She wasn't created to; we weren't created to.  What was once a sparkle in her eyes falls away to a dull glimmer and eventually the light extinguishes altogether.  In the midst of all of this, she has forgotten who she is; we have forgotten who we are.  She doesn't dress the same, walk, talk or move the same.  Meanwhile the evil one plotting her demise sits along the sidelines laughing, convinced she will lay down and die.  Convinced we will lie down and die.  But princesses are strong.  We are made that way.  For how can you care for the needs of others and make life better for those who haven't tapped into their inner power if we are weaklings.  No, the call of a princess is to offer a better chance for those who have not yet found their way.  Truly things look as if there is no answer in sight.  There appears to be no knight in shining armor or prince whose kiss is so potent it can withstand the walls of darkness, but I remind you again that we come from the root of all royalty.  And our champion is there to save, to heal, to rescue and to set us on the right course leading back to our rightful place.  That is, if we are willing to do the work.

This is the piece the fairytales fail to mention.  There is work involved in getting back to a place of wholeness.  But as the old adage goes, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears".  There are times it feels we will never reach the end from all the damage that has been done.  But truly we are able.  One step at a time, albeit however slow those steps might be.  Slow and steady.  That is the key.  And, of course, obedience to the One who knows the very path we need to take in order to get out of the enchanted forest and back onto the palace grounds.

Like Esther who went through a year of beauty treatments before being presented to the king, our lives should reflect that same level of care.  Our skin should glow from the delicious, healthy foods that have been placed on the earth for us to eat.  We  should be rubbed with the finest oils as the tension is massaged out of our bodies.  Our teeth should gleam because we take the time to take care of them.  There should be so much bounce in our hair that a slight breeze causes it to lift and fall right back into place.  And our eyes should sparkle like starlight because we get enough rest.  As daughters of the King, it is important for us to take time to reflect; to figure out if we are on course, and if not, design a plan to get us where we want to go.  Everything in the universe was designed to help us maximize our life's experience.  It is not for the kingdom princesses to be burdened down with relationships with those who cause stress, discord and unrest.  The life of a princess should be easy.  Easy on the eyes, easy on the mind, easy on the body, easy on the spirit.  And of the ladies in waiting, we have no time for jealousy, backbiting, or rude attempts to tear down.  Not everyone will be where we are and that is okay.  But it is not for us to sacrifice the life we are destined to have to those who have not stepped into their own kingdom position.  Living the life of a princess means  embracing who we were created to be.  It may be necessary to cut some people loose, but don't lose heart, dear one.  He who sees all, created all, will send others to fill that place.  Keeping our hearts open and full of light is our only job as it pertains to this part of life.

Love those who have hurt us - even if we have to love them enough to let them go and love them from a distance.  Whatever was done isn't worth the turmoil and lack of peace it takes to keep reliving the experience.  Hurting people hurt people...and they hurt themselves, too.  Since we know who we are and we know what we give, it is a hurt to their own selves when they mistreat us and have the access to our lives severed.  Their leaving is not a reflection on us, no matter what evil words they let spew from their own mouths.  It is out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks.  So we love them and pray blessings of healing and love, direction and deliverance, health and prosperity into the lives - never forgetting the kiss that woke us up out of a terrible slumber and started us on the road to our own place in the kingdom.  We don't forget, but we don't have to be part of everyone's journey either.

So, today go and get pedicures, afterall we cannot have chipped toenails while wearing glass slippers.  And when we step out, it is with confidence and assurance in who we are and what we deserve.  We are daughters of the Most High, princesses in our own right.  If perhaps we have not been willing to truly accept our role, today we make the decision to step into our rightful  place.  If we have accepted that we are princesses, then we take some time to reflect to make sure all is as it should be.  Either way, there is an amazing life awaiting each one of us.  Today is the day we decide will not live beneath our privilege.  Others are waiting on us to take our rightful place to see by example that they can do it too.  This is our role as princesses:  to encourage, uplift and help others realize their own potential for greatness.



Changing lives one word at a time...Tumika Patrice Cain


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Tumika Patrice Cain is an award-winning author, media personality, and motivational speaker. Through her imprint, Inkscriptions Publishing & Media Group, she provides high quality, affordable, mentor-based publishing services to indie authors, as well as inspired, empowering messages of hope and abundance through her media outlets. Her works can be found in many publications, including Fresh Lifestyle Magazine. To learn more about Tumika, her books, and her services visit the following websites. http://www.TumikaPatrice.com and http://www.InkscriptionsPMG.com 

Lessons from a Father

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Lessons from a Father

Today is Father’s day 2012 and for whatever reason I find myself being very reflective.  I have had both a biological and a stepfather, both of whom taught me invaluable life lessons.  So I decided to see what had I learned from the men in my life.  And afterwards, I opened up that question to others.

My journey has not been an easy one.  I have learned many lessons in lean and dry places.  There have been a number of atrocities and abuses that have visited me and it has taken great strides not to get stuck in such low places.  Many of my lessons have not been nice ones, but they are lessons, yet and still.  They are things I have learned and therefore are worthy of being shared.  I have no perfect pictures to paint of my life, but over time, the individual threads of my life will create a beautiful tapestry.

My biological father was a drug and alcohol addicted womanizer who spent years playing mind games with me and subjecting me and my mother to his abuses.  I was with him when he met the woman he is now married to.  How a man could think it is at all appropriate to cheat on his wife and take his six year old daughter with him, bribing her not to tell with sweets, is beyond me.  But such was the case.

The memories that fill that part of my life are not the best.  There were the beatings I saw my mother endure and the times I wondered if she was going to die.  It took me many years to grow eyebrows because the stress of my home life made them fall out.  There was the impossibly tall list of standards I was expected to reach.  But everything was always just out of reach, so I grew up feeling much like a failure.  It wasn’t until years later that I learned those are typical behaviors and expectations of a drug and alcohol addicted parent.  Although my mother wasn’t a drug or alcohol user or abuser, the grandfather who raised her had been, so I guess she just grew up and attracted what she knew.

His reckless behavior almost cost his life on more than one occasion. It was something different each time.  Diabetic comas from not taking his insulin while also drug and alcohol binging, motorcycle accidents, you name it.  He seemed to live as though he had a death wish.  Between my grandmother and my mother, I learned that women are to pick up the pieces of men’s lives who refuse to act responsibly.  I wonder what would have happened if they had let him lose his job or if he’d had to be homeless for a while.  I just wonder…

After bankrupting our home and leaving us penniless, destitute, no food and a house falling apart at the seams, he left us.  Period.

Then entered my stepfather.  I was eight years old when he came on the scene.  He is a complex individual who genuinely feels for people and who loves children, but who has a host of unresolved issues with his own abusive mother.  We lived in hell for years with this man.  I never knew from one day to the next if I would come home and find my mother’s blood splattered all over the house because he had killed her.  I was a quiet, introspective child with wisdom beyond my years.  I could just ‘see’ people.  I am sure mom regretted on many occasions not listening when I told her to leave that man alone.  It took years for us to get out of that situation.

Talk about contradictions, on one hand he’d be terrorizing the house and trying to turn my brother against mom and me, and then in the same breath he’d be there to fix whatever needed fixing.  He was a hustler.  Made sure he always had money and would keep the kids fed, but wouldn’t lift a finger to pay a bill or help my mother financially.  He believed a woman should take care of a man.  I resented him for years.

At some point the healing began and I could just see him beyond what he was doing to us.  And I understood.  I refused to continue being his punching bag, and made that VERY clear, but I just understood.  I fixed him dinner today.  He is still the one who I can call on for anything and he will be there.  Period.  Healing really can come.

The men in my life, not just those two fathers, left deep scars and had me really questioning the validity of my worth.  My grandfather, the molester, who took my innocence at age three and then spent years degrading and berating me; the liars; the cheats; the thieves; it was all there.  With nothing else to use as an example, I grew up and attracted men who treated me just like they did.  I couldn’t understand for the life of me why finding someone to love and be kind to me was so difficult.  The faces changed, but their actions did not.  They were all versions of each other.  Everyone around me said “you are not worthy.  You are nothing and your only purpose in life is to be here to meet MY needs; despite how it might affect you.”  Inside I cried.  Outside, I ate.  And I wrote, trying to make sense of my life.

Somewhere in the midst of all of this, I met Jesus, who had tons of work to undo in my life.  Trusting God was so hard for me.  He was just this giant daddy, who I was sure was just like these earthly men who had done so much damage.  I learned that He has this wonderful ability to see us right where we are and meet us right there.  Gently, but surely, He would bring me closer to himself and eventually a relationship was born.  I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I wasn’t with him.  I didn’t have to pretend to be okay when inside I was a broken mess.  He already knew.  For the first time in my life I was lavished with as much time as I needed.  He knew just how to love me in the way I best needed to receive love.

It is not easy going from low to high, but I have found that it IS possible.  And when life knocks you back down, there is help to get back up and keep trying.  So my list is a compilation of things I have learned from a number of men in my life – some good, some not so much.  I have found that old adage to be true, that when the student is ready, the teacher appears.  In time, all of those men with special quirks have been replaced with a number of other men who give me something to set my sights on.  Now, I know that I, too, have worth, value and my life has significant meaning.  I can have the best of what I’ve seen in others.  I will finish up this post with the lessons that I,  along with other sons and daughters, have learned from their own fathers.

So Happy Father’s Day – to all the award-winning amazing dads, the single moms having to be both mother and father, to all those in the village who stepped up to be father role models, and even to the dads who didn’t do much more than make an initial donation.  You have all played a significant part in our becoming who we are.  Thank you for your contribution – however great or small.

Here is the list that I and my contributors have learned from our fathers and father figures over the years:

To lead praise and worship

To pray in the congregation

To pray for my children

A strong sense of family

A whole lot of common sense phrases like “take care of business or business will take care of you”

Self worth

The unconditional love of God the Father

Character

He couldn’t spank me if he saw me cry

I didn’t need to do anything for him to love me, he just loved me.  Period.

The same rule should apply to my partner in life

My value wasn’t to be based on someone else’s opinion or standard

Having a crazy dad is a filter.  Guys respect a young lady with a covering (a loving, crazy male figure)

Observing him made me realize what I did and DID NOT want in a man

To pray for what was most important

How to iron

How to make good oatmeal

How to clean the house

How to grill

How to sweep

How to ride a bike

How to play sports and how to throw

How to tie a tie

How to like vegetables

Never judge someone by how they look

Sow seeds that will prosper

Love God more than any man

Your word is to be kept and represents you

Do not live above your means, save some money

Trust your instincts, spirit

If you pray the Father will hear you

Keep living and you will understand things

How to be a hard worker

Have a loving, caring heart

Clean the kitchen as I cook

Think of the glass half full

Speak with compassion

Keep in touch

Family time

Your confession will set the course of your life

Have faith in God no matter what

Protect your children

Be on time or don’t go

Treat others with grace and kindness

Speak the WORD no matter what it costs you

Be generous

That computers ‘talked’ to one another and if you did anything wrong, it was bound to be discovered, so don’t expect him to bail me out

Education is paramount

That he has my back and is my biggest cheerleader no matter what

Patience

How a car worked so a man or shady mechanic couldn’t take advantage of me

How to take care of my family

Work hard every day, always go to work on time and do the best job while I’m there

Some people don’t mean you any good their entire life long

That some men don’t realize that fatherhood is a gift that can be wasted on the unwilling

Good posture, good diction and being intelligent is not an option – it’s the only way

Always look your best

A priority is specific only to the individual

A girl will attract the kind of man to herself that her father was to her, good or bad.  In the case of the bad, she will continue to attract him until she heals and learns whatever lessons are there for her to learn

You can’t depend on people, so either do it yourself or go without

A man who has not dealt with his mother issues will punish every woman he comes into contact with until he does

People can change if they really want to

Every person has something redeeming about themselves despite how challenging their ‘issue’ is

Sometimes love hurts and men hit

No one should have to make a man take care of his own seed

Another man can step up and make a difference in the life of a child.  When one won’t, another one will

A fool can’t argue by himself, so just be quiet

That I can be loved and accepted unconditionally

Sometimes things mean more than people

I can be the world to someone

If a man doesn’t marry you in a year, he isn’t serious

No matter how lean the times, low the place or difficult the circumstance, God is always there

God loves me in the best way I need to be loved

God is much more willing to accept and forgive me than  I am to myself

Friendship is just as important as family

How to laugh

He was selfish – he committed suicide when I was 3 years old and didn’t think how that would affect me

A mom and dad not being together is not always a bad thing!  Sometimes it’s even for the best

How to put my foot in my mouth

Men cheat, lie and destroy women

Don’t want anybody that doesn’t want you!

The gospel

Love of life

Stand tall

Be proud of who you are

The love of family

Pay your debt

The belt never hurt your ass for long

Bowling

Fishing

Hard work for what you want

Foundation for the love of jazz

Always put your spouse first

Always save money

Never let a man use you (don’t get pregnant)

I’m here because HE wanted me here (referencing Heavenly Father)

Love

Respect

Serve others

To be clean

To be organized

To be responsible

Photography

To get respect you have to give it

It’s good to have a sense of humor

How to cook

How to hustle

Listen to my grandparent’s wisdom

Always keep myself looking nice

Don’t fund or contribute to bad habits

Always be nice to people, 'cause you never know when you might see them again

If you have $20 you don’t have to spend it all.  You can keep the change!

Character

Integrity

Responsibility

Discipline

Moral ethics

Self respect

Love of a father

Changing lives one word at a time...Tumika Patrice Cain

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Tumika Patrice Cain is an award-winning author, media personality, and motivational speaker. Through her imprint, Inkscriptions Publishing & Media Group, she provides high quality, affordable, mentor-based publishing services to indie authors, as well as inspired, empowering messages of hope and abundance through her media outlets. Her works can be found in many publications, including Fresh Lifestyle Magazine. To learn more about Tumika, her books, and her services visit the following websites. http://www.TumikaPatrice.com and http://www.InkscriptionsPMG.com