The Weight of the World

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The Weight of the World

I am a watcher of people.  The things people do when they think no one is watching intrigues me.  What always stands out to me the most is the pain lurking behind plastic smiles.  If the saying is true, the eyes really are the windows of the soul.  When I look into a person's eyes, I see what they cannot hide, no matter how hard they try.

Eyes that tell stories of pain, of frustration, of defeat.  Eyes that signify that all hope has been lost.  Eyes that share they have all but given up.  Eyes that reveal that we are in the presence of the walking dead.  Eyes that sparkle with genuine happiness.  Eyes that can't hide mischief from one who has never lost their sense of childhood playfulness.  Eyes of ones who take themselves far too seriously.  Eyes of judgment and criticism.  Eyes of hatred.  Eyes full of joy.  Eyes with no joy.  Caring eyes.  Loving eyes.  Sincere eyes.  They all reach out, each with their own story to tell.

I have spent years working in a human services capacity - whether that be caring for disadvantaged youth or working hands on with the elderly; training the staff of those who work with these populations or writing programs for those who work with those populations.  One thing has always stood out to me.  Many people are out of place.  And the ones who are doing everything they have to do to survive, but nothing they want to do, typically wear their weight on their frames.

The soft edges and bulges share what their spirits could no longer hide.  People are unhappy.  And while it is very easy for some to say "well life is what you make it", there are some who have just not had that epiphany.  For many, life is what has been made for them by the choices of others long before they ever knew they were supposed to have a choice.  And by the time they are old enough to start functioning in the freedom of their choices, they don't know how to get out of the boxes they've spent their lives in...if they even recognize that a box is present.  To them, they are just living what they know.

It seems the voice of truth speaks quietly.  Almost like a whisper.  Like that of the Holy Spirit.  To hear what it has to say requires that we quiet what is going on around us; still our minds.  It means we need to look into the mirror and fully acknowledge what we see.  Not just focus on our eyes or nose or hair.  But really see.  It requires that we allow ourselves to let the scales fall off of our eyes so that we may see and know where we truly are.  And when we do, the voice of truth will speak clearly the message that has been there all along.

The voice of truth will say "you are not happy."  It will say "beloved what is it that you want? What is it that will make you truly happy?"  It will whisper "sweetheart, what is your dream?"  It will say "why are you hurting?"  "Who has silenced you? I want to hear what you have to say."  In its most loving, gentle and sincere way, it will say "Do you know that you matter?  Do you know that what you want is important?  Do you know that you have a voice worth hearing?"

And in our moments of realness, we can admit that we have spent years lonely (whether we are alone or not).  We have spent years being unfulfilled.  And for those with certain religious beliefs that sex should wait before marriage, we will admit we are sexually frustrated.  For as much as it is preached that singles should just pour their lives into serving others, in the deep recesses of our persons, we know that what we really feel is that 'yes serving others is important but what about me?  WHAT ABOUT ME?  Do I matter as much as the people I am sacrificing my life for?  Does anyone care what I need?  What I want?  Why are my needs still going unmet?  I have sown the seeds.  I have fasted.  I have prayed.  I have made the sacrificial offerings of time, talent and treasure.  WHAT ABOUT ME?'  And though few would ever really admit it, we are angry.  Mad to the core of our beings!  At ourselves, at our choices, at the state of our lives, at unsupportive people.  At God.

And we look up into the mirror that reflects our lives.  Into the eyes that reflect our souls and we acknowledge that each bulge tells a story.  That each extra pound is associated to a specific incident.  We admit that we are wearing the weight of the world, not just on our shoulders, but on our bodies.  We are tired from lack of sleep, lack of care, lack of concern, lack of love.  We are temporarily comforted by food when there is an absense of human comfort.  We turn to food when we'd rather be having sex.  We use food as a meaningful part of every significant event or area of our lives.  We admit that the layers of fat are a protective barrier that we put up each time someone hurt us, disappointed us, violated us.  And in our most honest moments, we admit that sometimes those layers are there because we have just given up.

I recently read the post of someone on Facebook who has decided that this year she is making some changes in her life that are permanent.  What stood out to me is a comment she made, and I will paraphrase, I will not beat myself up over the weight I gained over the years, nor will I make excuses for it.  At the time I gained it, I needed it.  But now that I am beyond that place, I no longer need the weight so I am willing to change my life to get rid of it.  This is a woman I consistently see being honest with herself.  She is authentic in her relationship with self and therefore in her dealings and relationships with others.  In those few short sentences, I found a freedom I have needed for years.

You see, like the others, I have looked in the mirror and never really allowed myself to see.  Or when I did, I criticized and beat myself up over what I had allowed myself to look like.  I never once acknowledged that at the time, I needed every pound I had allowed myself to gain.  That at the time, I was coping with the pain of my life in the best way I knew how at that moment.  I never acknowledged that judgment and criticism  wasn't necessary but instead genuine acceptance of myself and my needs is what was in order at the time.  Validation of my struggles, my hurt, my disappointment, my rejection from others and of self was right there.  I needed to gently, sweetly, love myself back to health, back to life and not tear myself down any more.

Each day we live a little more.  We learn a little more.  And each day we get up and try and give more effort into ourselves.  This year I encourage each of you to find your most authentic voice.  The one that speaks the quietest, but also the most profound, and let what he or she has to say ring louder than any other voice around you.  This year I encourage you to accept where you are; accept where you've been and embrace it.  Acknowledge the journey.  Look at it.  Really feel it and then realize you don't need it any more.  This year I encourage you to fully release it.  Let it go.  In its place, invite more sincere, authentic expressions of the life you want to live to come in and take residence.  After all, this life is what we make it....

Changing lives one word at a time...Tumika Patrice Cain

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Tumika Patrice Cain is an award-winning author, media personality, and motivational speaker. Through her imprint, Inkscriptions Publishing & Media Group, she provides high quality, affordable, mentor-based publishing services to indie authors, as well as inspired, empowering messages of hope and abundance through her media outlets. Her works can be found in many publications, including Fresh Lifestyle Magazine. To learn more about Tumika, her books, and her services visit the following websites. http://www.TumikaPatrice.com and http://www.InkscriptionsPMG.com