After the Rain...

Friday, June 7, 2013

Just "F" It!

Photo credits: Pexels

Just "F" It!

“It’s about time you start using more “F” words in your day! FREEDOM is the best “F” word! FAVOR is another! FAITH is the linchpin! “F” it!” ~ Sandy Krakowski

When I saw this post on Facebook today my immediate reaction was to burst out laughing….thinking the whole time… I love this! Then I started thinking and wondering how many more liberating “F” words are there to add to our daily vocabulary, actions, and attitudes that will empower us to fulfill our personal greatness.

Forgive – Though forgiveness can be a hard one to put into practice, it is absolutely necessary if we ever want to reach the next level. Many times we make the mistake of thinking that forgiving means that we are excusing the person of the offending behavior. Quite the contrary. When we forgive, we are releasing ourselves from the spirit of offense so that the person no longer has any power over us. As I write this, I am a mere 24 hours out of one of the worst betrayals I have experienced in my life. You think when you give your all to a situation that you will come out on top and be appreciated by those whom you have helped. You never think that they will turn the table and stab you in the back. But even in the midst of that….”F” it! Nothing that has happened is worth my not making it where I am en route to – and nothing is worth you not making it either. So to each of them….I say “I forgive you and I am keeping it moving. Best wishes to all of you!”

Fun – There is a time for everything under the sun is what the Bible tells us. There is a time to be serious and there is a time for fun! There is lots of good, clean fun to be had here on earth, if we just let ourselves experience it. What makes you laugh? What makes your heart feel light? Well….then go on ahead and do it! Have some fun. After all….a merry heart is good medicine!

Forget – Replaying events from your past keeps you stuck in what happened. Our latter shall be greater than our former, but not if we continue to keep living in the past. An occasional reminisce of the good of yesteryear is effective in keeping gratitude close at hand. It is also a tool that we use to keep our minds and hearts full of faith as we are awaiting manifestation. On the other hand, replaying times of pain and sadness in your life will take your spirit to a low place. It’s like reliving it all over again. Who needs that kind of pain again? So do yourself a favor and just “F”-agetabout it!

Frivolity – It is just good sense to do something for yourself sometimes that is just plain frivolous. We all need a little pick me up from time to time. Even God gives us what we might see as small and not very meaningful just to make us happy. A piece of your favorite candy; a massage; a cold lemonade while basking in the sun. There is nothing wrong in taking a little time out for yourself and doing something not so serious for a while.

Focus – Being clear about what you want and the path you take to get there will help you to focus your sights on the target. Do like racehorses and wear blinders to help keep the distractions out of view so that you may reach the finish line. You’ll be glad that you did.

Fine tune – Sometimes we are spread too thin. While having many gifts and goals is a great thing. It may not be the best idea to try and do everything all at once. There are times and seasons for every purpose. Figure out which season you are in and function in that place. And if you don’t know how to figure it out just…..

Fast – Having a regular fasting and prayer life will help keep fleshly reactions at bay. If it seems like you just can’t get where you want to go or that there is something in the way of your answer, a simple fast may be just the thing you need to clear the channels so that you may hear more clearly and get solid direction for your life.

Family – We don’t get to choose our families, but there is still something there to learn and glean no matter how dysfunctional they may seem. If you can come away from each experience having learned something….even if it was what NOT to do….it was not wasted time. And remember not to get so busy being busy that you forget to tell those you love “I love you!”

Friends – For those fortunate enough to have the privilege of real friends, count your blessings. Many of us have friends that seem more like family than our relatives…and that is okay. Spend time with your friends and pour into those relationships. They are in your life for a reason…don’t forget to let them know that you are GLAD about it!

And back to Sandy’s original list:

Freedom – Any opportunity you have to shed the baggage of your past, go ahead and just do it! We have received the gift of Freedom in Christ and there is no reason for us to be bound. Pinpoint those areas of your life where you are still not free and start putting effective practices in place to allow your wings room to expand so that you may fly!

Favor – Favor is the gift of God that allows us to be accelerated to the head of the line. It is that power that makes people do things for you that they normally might not and certainly would not for anyone else. And while favor may not be fair, it is just. Only God knows where you’ve been and all the strides you have taken to live your life according to his plan. So when you are shown favor, make no apologies for it. However…to whom much is given, much is required. Just as someone reached beyond their comfort zone and helped you, keep your eyes, ears and hearts open to bless those who he will send your way with the sole purpose for YOU to extend FAVOR!

Faith – We all think we walk by faith until a situation comes up where he tells you to make a move and you see no set provision in place to meet your needs. Whether you choose to step out or stay in the safety of the familiar will tell you where your faith walk really is. Know that your faith will be tested. It’s not that God needs to see where your faith is – He already knows, but He needs you to see where it is. Sometimes you have grown so much he just wants you to see how far you’ve grown and give you a pat on the back. Sometimes you are not as far as you think you are and he just wants to help you strengthen that area. Either way…it is all good and all for your benefit. So go ahead and do that thing he is telling you to do…even if you don’t see a way or know how it will work out for you. When you make the first step He will reveal the provisions that are already there waiting on you. And as you take additional steps, even more will be revealed.

Go ahead and make today a great day….ON PURPOSE! And while you’re at it, whatever situation you find yourself in remember to just “F” it!

Changing lives one word at a time…Tumika Patrice Cain

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Tumika Patrice Cain is an award-winning author, media personality, and motivational speaker. Through her imprint, Inkscriptions Publishing & Media Group, she provides high quality, affordable, mentor-based publishing services to indie authors, as well as inspired, empowering messages of hope and abundance through her media outlets. Her works can be found in many publications, including Fresh Lifestyle Magazine. To learn more about Tumika, her books, and her services visit the following websites. http://www.TumikaPatrice.com and http://www.InkscriptionsPMG.com

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Her Smiling Face

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Her Smiling Face

At the time, it seemed like one of those end of life conversations. The kind that had never taken place before. One of supreme significance. Although it was almost a year later when she transitioned into eternity, in a way it was an end of life conversation. For me, it marked the point where my life changed. The end of my life as I had known it was over, and it was all because of that conversation.

Mary, a lady I had known for years, looked me in the eyes, speaking clearly and softly that morning inside her room in the nursing home. Tiny Mary, whose 103 year old self, had seen things I had only read about. She spoke to me about the difficulties of life and about the need to forge on ahead, despite any obstacles that might come my way. She looked me deep in the eyes and asked probing questions about my life. Inquiring of those things that made me happy, those things that made me sad – questions like did I like the work I was doing.

By nature, I am a private, quiet person who doesn’t just share the details of my life with people randomly. When I speak it is very deliberate and purposeful. But on this day, as tears poured down my cheeks, it were as though I had nowhere to hide. Completely exposed, everything I felt and everything I was going through was there, laid out for us to look at and examine together. We touched on topics I never discussed with anyone…and I knew I was supposed to. It was a divine appointment, designed to help me discover where the trials and difficulties in life had landed me.

Nodding her head, she looked at me with complete understanding. She told me over and over to make my dreams come true. The message was so clear…no matter what, find what makes me happy and make my dreams come true. It was up to me. I nodded my head back at her and told her I would. Satisfied that she had said all she needed to, she gave me a big smile, closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep…after all, under normal circumstances she would have been asleep anyway. Her work had been done.

I could not stop thinking about the things she’d said to me. Make my dreams come true, rang out repeatedly in my mind. That was when it hit me that I had been doing what I had to and nothing I wanted to for so long, I couldn’t even remember what my dreams were. I had been so far removed from anything that meant anything significant to me, that I had to go deep within, and even into prayer, to figure out what it was that I truly wanted.

It was that conversation that triggered my quest to live the rest of my life authentically. Relationships and people who were a drain had to go. Employment that wasn’t fulfilling my purpose in life, was out of here! I sat down and really determined what it was that would bring me the most happiness and fulfillment. Doing so helped me to find my true inner voice – the voice of freedom, the voice of truth.

In the coming months, I referred to this list often as I made plans to chart how I was going to make my dreams come true. I needed to prioritize, strategize and each day do something towards making at least one thing on that list come true. It was during this time that I realized that no matter how many journals I had full of ideas or how many plans I had made previously, if I wasn’t actively taking a step towards accomplishing anything, none of the things I had written down would ever come to pass.

Often it meant stepping outside of my comfort zone. Always it meant stepping out on faith and holding true to the vision that I had for my life…no matter what came up against it. This process caused me to see clearly who was for me and who had been against me all along. It was eye opening in so many ways. I discovered strength and patience and reserves I never knew existed inside of me. And, of course, there were the times when I had to encourage myself because the disappointments and setbacks caused me to slow down. But each time I made it through, I could cheer and pat myself on the back in triumph. Suddenly the finish line of step one was in sight and I knew I would cross over.

For each of the things I determined was a priority, I am at varying stages on the journeys. And it is all good. Each accomplishment just solidifies in me what she was trying to tell me that day….it’s all in me. I have everything I need to succeed right on the inside of me and as I travel along life’s path, what I need will meet me on the journey when I get there. Sometimes in my dreams I could see her ending smile of satisfaction at the results of that conversation. She was proud of me, like I was her family. She was glad that I had made the decision to live life by design and no longer by default, because I no longer had to. She was happy that she had something so significant to pour into the life of someone else. Her own journey had more meaning by being able to share her experience with another and help another person further along.

This little Jewish woman passed on at a 104 years old. Remarkable in so many ways. And though she is no longer gracing the earth with her presence, her legacy lives on…in the words she spoke that changed my life. The words that gave me the freedom and courage to live the life I was destined to. Her legacy lives on in every word of truth and act of love I pour into the lives of others. And in the moments when life is still and quiet, I can see her nodding her head and smiling at me just before she closed her eyes and went to sleep.

Each one….reach one. Thanks Mary!

In memory of Mary Fink ~ Sunrise January 1, 1909 ~ Sunset January 29 , 2013

Changing lives one word at a time…Tumika Patrice Cain

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Thursday, March 7, 2013

In Black & White

Photo credits: Pexels

In Black & White

I recently read the post of a white woman who wrote into Sister 2 Sister magazine. She was expressing frustration at black women and the energy she gets from them at her being with a black man. The problem is, instead of trying to really understand where black women and the 'attitude' she gets from them is coming from, she wrote from a place of entitlement, judgment, and criticism at people she couldn't begin to understand. If her approach had been different, she may actually have come away with clarity and understanding. In her letter she challenged black men to basically back her up in saying that white women are the coveted desire of every black man and why they should choose white over black. The feedback she received was far from what she was looking for.

It started me to thinking. Seriously thinking. Some years ago I would have been among the black women rolling my eyes and wagging my tongue at her and the black man who was with her. While I would marvel at the beauty of the children those mixed raced unions would produce, I would simultaneously hate the heritage that resulted in those children. Each observation of them a slap in the face to me - a blatant rejection that said to me that I was not good enough. Not good enough to date. Not good enough to marry. Not good enough to have a child with. Not good enough to stay with and raise little black children.

I resented the privileged lifestyles I saw white women living. That in their homes there were usually two parents, while in our households our women struggled to make ends meet, while our men shirked their responsibilities and ran off. I resented the entitlement that they wore that said they DESERVED only the best. I resented that they automatically assumed they should have the best jobs, the best homes, the most money, the best education, the most say, the smartest children, etc. and that anyone with the slightest hint of melanin in their skin was somehow genetically predisposed to be inferior to them. And when they did decide they wanted our men, they chose the brightest and most brilliant gems and then flaunted in the faces of black women that we were somehow not good enough. That again, their entitlement of 'I can have anything and anyone I want' was thrown in our faces.

And I understand what black women felt. It wasn't just that the man saw someone he liked and just wanted her. Having chosen someone white was worn like a badge of honor, as if to say that they had somehow 'arrived' by being able to show up with a white woman on their arms. But it goes so much deeper than that - on every single front.

The black woman looks at this man, these men, who have made the choice to go that route and inside she thinks by not choosing a black woman, he is saying his mother is not good enough. She thinks about all of the sacrifices that have been made to take care of him, to cover, to protect him. And it feels like a slap in her face that after all of that, he would go a different route. She thinks about the history of our people and that of white people and doesn't see anything good in it. She remembers the black boys and men beaten and lynched for even looking in the direction of a white woman. She has seen the race card played repeatedly when conniving white girls can't have their way and how they cry rape after willfully having sex with black men, setting off another stream of repercussions. She feels the pain of generations of black children forced to grow up without their black fathers. She remembers how tired her mother was when she came home from cleaning the houses of the privileged whites and how no matter how much we may have amassed even in the face of the least educated whites, we were still seen as just another nigger. She feels the force of the anger of black men as they come home and beat their frustration and drink their frustration and drug their frustration remembering she was the one who caught it. She knows what it was like to lie to her friends, coworkers, employers and family about the bruises on her body inflicted on her by him. But she knew that she needed to protect him, for what awaited him was far worse than what she felt she endured by him.

So she held her head up a little higher and straightened her shoulders, determined to make her family work. She loves him with everything that is in her. She understands him...even when it felt like he couldn't understand her. She believes in him when the world tells him he is nothing and reminds him that he is just another nigger. To her, he is a king. Whether working in a factory, flipping burgers, selling drugs, collecting rubbish, dribbling basketballs or running corporations, he has always been a king in her eyes. And so are her sons.

Is she tired? Yes, you bet she is. She is tired of trying to hold it all together. She is tired of being told she is male bashing on the few occasions when she risks telling her real story of neglect and abuse and lack. She is tired of being sexualized by family members and on videos and by men passing by on the street. She is tired of working her fingers to the bone, knowing she is not making as much as her counterparts. She is tired of the drugs and violence and alcoholism and hopelessness she sees all around her. She is tired of being told she doesn't matter, that she has no voice, and that she is not important. She is tired of being told that black women don't get depressed, that we have to be strong. She is tired of the struggle and everything that she endures on a daily basis, yes, it is a slap in her face when he crosses over and goes white. She knows that her life is affected by the choices he makes and it makes her angry.

Are black women disproportionately more overweight than their white counterparts? Yes, we are. We have been known to eat our way through the pain. Sometimes it is the only thing that feels good in our lives. Many of the women we see feel stuck and haven't figured out how to get out of it. Frustrated, tired, depressed. Yes. I said it. Depressed which is described as anger turned inwards. If she is not allowed to be angry at anyone else yet the anger exists, where does it go? She turns it on herself. Do we need better coping mechanisms? Certainly we do. But people are just doing the best that they can at any given time. It just is what it is, until it becomes something else.

The issues of race go so deep. While it's about what's black and white, it is so much more than just what's black and white. Culturally, no one truly knows and understands the history, the struggle, the decisions of a people if they have no real revelation of what the lives of those people may have been like. For as much as we can sit around and judge and feel as if we have the answers to everything from our soapbox, the truth is, unless we have spent a moment walking in someone else's shoes, we really don't know what it's like to be them. And black women look and shake their heads, knowing that while white women showcase their trophy children, we know the world will still see those children as black...despite their mixed race heritage. And we are not asking that you deny the white part of them, we are asking that you embrace the black part of them and EVERYTHING that goes along with it, and not just brush it under the rug as people being 'too sensitive.' Some things white people have never had to to experience and so it becomes difficult for them to understand. It is that lack of understanding that infuriates black women and makes them so bitter.

We know that every race, every culture has their 'stuff,' and sometimes it becomes too much to deal with. And a person may choose to be open enough to allow happiness to come in despite what it's face may look like. Sometimes we just get tired of dealing with the stuff in our own back yards and we yearn for what might be considered greener pastures elsewhere. Life is too short to spend it being unhappy. While we go in search of happiness in whatever form it comes in, we can fully embrace it, without denying who or what we are or without denying our backgrounds. And if we each take the time to realize that each people group has their own struggles, their own stories, if we keep the lines of communication and compassion open, we can learn from each other. And we'd also see that we don't have to be enemies.

Changing lives one word at a time...Tumika Patrice Cain

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Sunday, January 27, 2013

The Weight of the World

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The Weight of the World

I am a watcher of people. The things people do when they think no one is watching intrigues me. What always stands out to me the most is the pain lurking behind plastic smiles. If the saying is true, the eyes really are the windows of the soul. When I look into a person's eyes, I see what they cannot hide, no matter how hard they try.

Eyes that tell stories of pain, of frustration, of defeat. Eyes that signify that all hope has been lost. Eyes that share they have all but given up. Eyes that reveal that we are in the presence of the walking dead. Eyes that sparkle with genuine happiness. Eyes that can't hide mischief from one who has never lost their sense of childhood playfulness. Eyes of ones who take themselves far too seriously. Eyes of judgment and criticism. Eyes of hatred. Eyes full of joy. Eyes with no joy. Caring eyes. Loving eyes. Sincere eyes. They all reach out, each with their own story to tell.

I have spent years working in a human services capacity - whether that be caring for disadvantaged youth or working hands on with the elderly; training the staff of those who work with these populations or writing programs for those who work with those populations. One thing has always stood out to me. Many people are out of place. And the ones who are doing everything they have to do to survive, but nothing they want to do, typically wear their weight on their frames.

The soft edges and bulges share what their spirits could no longer hide. People are unhappy. And while it is very easy for some to say "well life is what you make it", there are some who have just not had that epiphany. For many, life is what has been made for them by the choices of others long before they ever knew they were supposed to have a choice. And by the time they are old enough to start functioning in the freedom of their choices, they don't know how to get out of the boxes they've spent their lives in...if they even recognize that a box is present. To them, they are just living what they know.

It seems the voice of truth speaks quietly. Almost like a whisper. Like that of the Holy Spirit. To hear what it has to say requires that we quiet what is going on around us; still our minds. It means we need to look into the mirror and fully acknowledge what we see. Not just focus on our eyes or nose or hair. But really see. It requires that we allow ourselves to let the scales fall off of our eyes so that we may see and know where we truly are. And when we do, the voice of truth will speak clearly the message that has been there all along.

The voice of truth will say "you are not happy." It will say "beloved what is it that you want? What is it that will make you truly happy?" It will whisper "sweetheart, what is your dream?" It will say "why are you hurting?" "Who has silenced you? I want to hear what you have to say." In its most loving, gentle and sincere way, it will say "Do you know that you matter? Do you know that what you want is important? Do you know that you have a voice worth hearing?"

And in our moments of realness, we can admit that we have spent years lonely (whether we are alone or not). We have spent years being unfulfilled. And for those with certain religious beliefs that sex should wait before marriage, we will admit we are sexually frustrated. For as much as it is preached that singles should just pour their lives into serving others, in the deep recesses of our persons, we know that what we really feel is that 'yes serving others is important but what about me? WHAT ABOUT ME? Do I matter as much as the people I am sacrificing my life for? Does anyone care what I need? What I want? Why are my needs still going unmet? I have sown the seeds. I have fasted. I have prayed. I have made the sacrificial offerings of time, talent and treasure. WHAT ABOUT ME?' And though few would ever really admit it, we are angry. Mad to the core of our beings! At ourselves, at our choices, at the state of our lives, at unsupportive people. At God.

And we look up into the mirror that reflects our lives. Into the eyes that reflect our souls and we acknowledge that each bulge tells a story. That each extra pound is associated to a specific incident. We admit that we are wearing the weight of the world, not just on our shoulders, but on our bodies. We are tired from lack of sleep, lack of care, lack of concern, lack of love. We are temporarily comforted by food when there is an absense of human comfort. We turn to food when we'd rather be having sex. We use food as a meaningful part of every significant event or area of our lives. We admit that the layers of fat are a protective barrier that we put up each time someone hurt us, disappointed us, violated us. And in our most honest moments, we admit that sometimes those layers are there because we have just given up.

I recently read the post of someone on Facebook who has decided that this year she is making some changes in her life that are permanent. What stood out to me is a comment she made, and I will paraphrase, I will not beat myself up over the weight I gained over the years, nor will I make excuses for it. At the time I gained it, I needed it. But now that I am beyond that place, I no longer need the weight so I am willing to change my life to get rid of it. This is a woman I consistently see being honest with herself. She is authentic in her relationship with self and therefore in her dealings and relationships with others. In those few short sentences, I found a freedom I have needed for years.

You see, like the others, I have looked in the mirror and never really allowed myself to see. Or when I did, I criticized and beat myself up over what I had allowed myself to look like. I never once acknowledged that at the time, I needed every pound I had allowed myself to gain. That at the time, I was coping with the pain of my life in the best way I knew how at that moment. I never acknowledged that judgment and criticism wasn't necessary but instead genuine acceptance of myself and my needs is what was in order at the time. Validation of my struggles, my hurt, my disappointment, my rejection from others and of self was right there. I needed to gently, sweetly, love myself back to health, back to life and not tear myself down any more.

Each day we live a little more. We learn a little more. And each day we get up and try and give more effort into ourselves. This year I encourage each of you to find your most authentic voice. The one that speaks the quietest, but also the most profound, and let what he or she has to say ring louder than any other voice around you. This year I encourage you to accept where you are; accept where you've been and embrace it. Acknowledge the journey. Look at it. Really feel it and then realize you don't need it any more. This year I encourage you to fully release it. Let it go. In its place, invite more sincere, authentic expressions of the life you want to live to come in and take residence. After all, this life is what we make it....

Changing lives one word at a time...Tumika Patrice Cain

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